There’s something about revisiting the movies that you watched as a kid. Or not just that you watched as a kid, but those that were among the small library of VHS tapes or DVDs your family owned and within those, the ones that became your family favorites. Because when options were limited, you had no choice but to watch the same movies over and over again.
When I revisit those movies, I learn about parts of myself I’ve forgotten. On Christmas, my family rewatched Snow Day (a 2000s masterpiece about young love and evil snowplow drivers) and I didn’t realize how deep the scene of Emmanuelle Chriqui standing on the diving board with her whale anklet lived in my psyche. I could not have told you the plot line of that movie anymore, but that scene lives in my heart apparently.
Recently Casey and I revisited Secondhand Lions. I’m not sure how widespread the viewership of that movie was, but if you also loved it as a kid, you should go rewatch it and let me know if it holds up for you. IMDB has it rated as a 7.5, but I think it might be the perfect movie. (But I also watched it no less than 100 times between the age of 10 and 15 - we didn’t have cable - so my scale might be off.) If you’ve never seen it, it’s a 2003 masterpiece about two grumpy old men (Michael Caine & Robert Duvall) who are mysteriously rich and unexpectedly take in their nephew (Haley Joel Osment). Kyra Sedgwick plays the bad mom and there’s a lion involved and really just go watch it.
I won’t spoil it (although does it count as a spoiler on a movie that’s been around for 20 years?), but one of the morals of the story, which Uncle Hub offers in his “What every boy needs to be a man” speech, is that:
“If you want to believe in something, believe in it. Just because something isn't true doesn't mean you can't believe in it. Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most: That people are basically good. That courage, honor and virtue mean everything. That power and money, money and power mean nothing. That good always triumphs over evil. And I want you to remember this; That love, true love, Never dies. You remember that boy, remember that. Whether they're true or not those are the things a man should believe in because those are the things worth believing IN. Got that?”
The rational, logic-driven part of me only wants to believe what is actually true. It thinks that if I’m persistent enough, I can eventually hold an objective and true view of reality. But the more I try to hold onto some objective universal truth, the more I find myself resistant, unpliable, incapable of empathy. Even scientific theory leaves some room to believe it could be kind of wrong about anything and everything. Things that were foundational facts have been proven wrong before. I can accept that I’m not smart enough and I cannot live enough truly understand reality as it is. I don’t think any of us can.
The truth is a little too nuanced to build a life around. Take the idea that “people are basically good.” Objectively, it’s not true. We’re mostly all a little good and a little bad. Some people are better than this world deserves, and some people are a lot worse. Probably nobody is all good or all bad, but some people come pretty damn close.
But my brain wants a shortcut. It wants a cohesive story. It wants a tweet-lenth truth in which it can summarize the world and know how to act when it encounter strangers on the street. What I like about the “being a good man” speech is that it leaves room for the fact that no matter what we believe, we’re basically making it up. Our brain is making the story as it goes, whether we are conscious of it or not.
So sure, my view of people is more nuanced and informed than believing they are good or bad. I am a woman who walks in the city alone so I don’t immediately assume good intentions of anyone following or approaching me on the street. And there are a lot of inputs into this, there’s media feeding into racist attitudes and assumptions and there’s the stories of all the serial killers from the PNW, and then there’s my experience which has been mostly of kindness - there’s trail angels and the man who picked me up on the side of the highway in Tahoe when I hobbled off trail with a fever and infected blister and drove me all the way back to my car. There is no way to know for sure how anyone else is going to treat us - stranger, or friend, or romantic partner, or family.
I’m going to be at least a little bit wrong no matter what I believe, but the most important thing is that I am making it up as I go. So I can adjust as I go when I collect new information. Beliefs can expand us or contract us and I can let go of something that makes my life feel small. I can use my beliefs to shape my life in the direction I want it to go and maybe most importantly, the way I want it to feel.
I grew up afraid of using my feelings as a guide. Because feelings led to sin. Feeling angry was just as bad as murdering someone. Following feelings was why the divorce rate in this country was so high - they can’t be trusted. Feelings ruin everything and are dangerous.
I’m rediscovering how powerful my feelings can be. I run to be healthy, sure - but actually I run because it makes me feel healthy. It’s an immediate reward to feel a certain way because of an action I took. That’s way more powerful of a motivator in the short-term because it’s one I can actually conceptualize and understand and has immediate cause-and-effect.
Do we do nice things because we care about others or because we want to feel like a good person? Does it matter? The end result is that I do more things that are good for me and good for others.
I find this to be the only way I can work toward a long-term goal. It’s the only thing that helps me push past self-doubt and fear and the magnetic pull of all the screens which can distract me - I want to avoid the bad feelings of not working towards the things I actually care about and I want to feel those good feelings of being healthy, of sharing my words, of cooking a good meal, or of doing something special for the people I love.
Maybe it requires widening the scope of what feelings we pay attention to. Because sure, I don’t “feel” like running today, but I know not doing it will feel worse than getting over the discomfort of doing it.
If I were to write my own list of beliefs that I know aren’t true, but I choose to believe anyways?*
People are mostly just doing their best and their best is surprisingly good when given the chance.
The world is fundamentally beautiful place.
Every push has a pull.
Doing good won’t necessarily come back to you in a 1:1, but putting good in the world means there’s more to go around and potentially come back.
Getting your heart broken is inevitable.
Being alive is the dumbest stroke of luck.
How your life feels is more important than how it looks.
*List subject to constant revision
Sarah, I really enjoy your writing. It is thought provoking and especially for me it is comforting. You don’t pretend to have all the answers, but willing to explore the possibilities, following your heart and living a genuine life. Thank you!!!